A ranking by Brooks Rich
The best anthology show of all time is the original run of The Twilight Zone. Period the end. You can debate who is the second-best but the best was OG Twilight Zone. But for October I want to rank my favorite episodes of the over the top but awesome HBO series, Tales from the Crypt, hosted by the pun spewing Cryptkeeper. Inspired by EC comics, the show told stories about villainous characters getting brutal cosmic justice. It was violent and gratuitous but always sort of winking at the audience. There was always a strange morality in Tales, almost biblical in nature. Break a Ten Commandant and you will be struck down in a horrific way. I won't spoil any of these but just no, most of the characters in these episodes did not have a happy ending.
10. Abra Cadaver
I see this one listed as the best episode on a lot of lists so already I'm being controversial by having it so low. It's a great episode, it is. But its main hook was done in an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents with Joseph Cotten so that's why it's here. A doctor gets revenge on his brother by injecting him with a serum that kills him but leaves him aware of his surroundings and still able to feel pain. A lot of the episode is told from the POV of the paralyzed brother. This has one of the most horrific endings of the show's run and it gives me the creeps every time.
9. People Who Live in Brass Hearses
Two loser brothers decide to get revenge on an ice cream salesman who sent one of them to jail. As is often the case with Tales, seeking revenge is never a good idea. I love the story in this one and Brad Dourif and the late great Bill Paxton are fantastic as the two brothers. This is almost like a dark Coen Brothers story at times. I could see these two in a season of Fargo. The twist ending is great but there is something lost on rewatch when you know the ending. But that doesn't take away from the great writing in this episode and the bleak nature of the whole thing.
8. Split Personality
This episode has one thing going for it but holy shit is it awesome what it has going for it. Joe Pesci is fantastic in this episode and he knew exactly what show he was in and what character he was playing. Someone wrote this character for Pesci specifically. Has to be. In this episode, Pesci plays a con man who poses as his own "twin" to steal the fortune of two wealthy but eccentric twin sisters. A shady character trying to steal something in a Tales episode? I wonder if they get their comeuppance in a brutally violent way? A lot of the covers sort of spoil the episodes but I won't add to them. But the fun of this show is generally knowing something is going to happen to the assholes and just waiting to see what it is. Split Personality is a little blatant. Look at the cover for this. Tales likes ironic endings. You do the math.
7. Carrion Death
An escaped convict is trying to get to the Mexican border. Along the way, he ends up handcuffed to the dead body of a highway patrol officer. He now has to drag the body along. This is an episode where we're just waiting for the inevitable. You know what's going to happen but you don't care. It's just a fun ride getting there. I won't spoil it personally but again look at the cover. Yeah. This is a fun one.
6. Death of Some Salesman
Tim Curry pulls an Eddie Murphy and plays dual roles in this episode about a huckster salesman who takes advantage of recently widowed old woman getting his just desserts. Curry is what makes me love this episode as he is too much fun as the three members of a rural family who seem to have escaped from a Rob Zombie film. Tales always was an outlier as far as TV goes but Curry snagged an Emmy nomination for his role here. Well earned too. Also props to Ed Begley Jr as the salesman, who is a perfect foil for Curry. The title alone is a spoiler but it's fun getting there as the story goes to some interesting places.
5. Fitting Punishment
This is a bleak episode. Just no happiness at all in this episode about a penny-pinching funeral home director who is forced to take in his orphaned nephew. Moses Gunn plays just a complete bastard in this. He is the quintessential Tales from the Crypt antagonist who needs the cosmic hammer to come down on him. This episode is also bleak because the nephew character is also likable and well, yeah. Fitting Punishment is also pretty damn scary at times and that's actually kind of rare for this show in the horror genre.
4. Lover Come Hack To Me
The very first episode I watched. I fell in love immediately. This is another one that is right there with the model of most episodes but it's fun getting there. A shy young woman marries a complete asshole who plans to kill her for her money. We know where this is going but the story surrounding it is really interesting and I love the final stinger. Also, this episode has great atmosphere as they stranded at a creepy old house in a thunderstorm. Goof stuff.
3. Staired In Horror
These next two are lesser-known episodes but I love them so much. The main attraction for me is story and these next episodes might be the best story work Tales ever did. In my opinion. In Staired In Horror an escaped convict is fleeing a posse through the swamp. He takes refuge at an old plantation and becomes infatuated with the beautiful young woman who lives there. That's all I'm saying. This is a doomed romance story and in a way, it's a beautiful one. If any episode is reminiscent of Twilight Zone, it's this one. Also, the opening music for this one is badass.
2. Three's a Crowd
I love the twist in this one. One of my favorites of the whole series if not my ultimate favorite. The cruel irony in this one is so good and it's another one of the bleaker episodes. Essentially a couple having problems is invited to a cabin by a friend of theirs who the husband thinks is having an affair with his wife. This is just great storytelling and shows an escalating paranoia in the husband that leads to an awesome payoff. It's a tragedy all around but it's one of the best. This was so close to my number one but I couldn't deny the true winner.
1. And All Through the House
Robert Zemeckis of Forrest Gump and Back to the Future directed this one and it is absolutely my favorite episode. It's a remake of a segment from the 1972 film of the same name. A woman murders her husband on Christmas Eve and goes to dispose of his body when she is attacked by an escaped mental patient dressed as Santa Claus. Unable to call the police due to her crime, she has to fend off the murderous Santa to protect both herself and her young daughter. The rest of the episode is essentially the finale of a slasher film and it is fantastic. It's a gruesome game of cat and mouse and the ending is just all kinds of awesome.
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